Today was awesome. And by "awesome," I mean "completely not awesome." First off, I found out that I/T, while "fixing" my Blackberry, accidentally nuked all my emails prior to August 23, and I lost a ton of saved work that I'm going to have to re-do. Hmm. Kinda thought they'd back that up. Since we discussed it at length. Oops.
Then in the afternoon I went for the MRI/arthrogram that my orthopedist called for, to see if I tore something important in my hip joint over the last 6 weeks, with all the running, swimming, yoga, hiking (that'll teach me to be healthy!) and massage (that'll teach me to be a hedonist!). I had an arthrogram on my carpal tunnel about 10 years ago, so fortunately the memory of how awful it was had faded. But it returned rather quickly, despite my attempt to be tough.
The doc & technician were super-nice. They were very thorough in explaining what they were going to do; so thorough, in fact, that I almost fainted before the procedure even started. The gist is that they painstakingly mark a spot to guide them, numb you, and then insert a needle that I swear to God must have rivaled the size of the Space Needle, judging from the pain I felt over & over again as it was inserted. I found myself chanting, "not numb... not numb... not numb... NOT NUMB... NOT NUMB!!!"
The doc didn't seem to believe me. His look said, "But I've given you PLENTY of numbing medicine!" Not plenty enough, mister! Are we trying to save money and skimp on the meds? Load me up!!! I don't know if he was hitting bone or what, but if I wanted to torture myself it would be much quicker to just stab myself in the eye with a fork. The point was to inject dye + Lidocaine into the tiny cavity between my femur & pelvis so that the labrum (which might be torn) would be more visible in the MRI. If the dye leaked out, it's surgery time.
The one thing that was kinda cool (between deep breaths because it also brought me close to fainting) was to look up & see the needle & the dye illuminating my labrum on the x-ray monitor in front of me. They wouldn't let me take photos due to HIPAA (boo!) but I found a photo on Wiki that looks pretty much like it:
Next I had to very carefully lift myself onto a gurney without moving my left hip, because if the dye moved too much it could botch the procedure & I'd have to do it all again. (Not going to happen.) The tech wheeled me into the MRI room, where it was impossible to see anything except the ginormous GE logo on the machine. Also, the tininess of the tube he intended to slide me into. I hope there's a Slip & Slide nearby so I can get some momentum going!
The tech set a heavy breastplate on me (to hold me down???) that looked freakishly like the ribcage of a skeleton, as if to let me know what I would look like if the machine malfunctioned & burned off all my flesh. He kindly asked what radio station I liked & handed me a large pair of headphones. It didn't matter. The machine made so much noise that I couldn't hear it anyway. So I lay there perfectly still, eyes closed, imagining the creatures that would make the kind of noises I was hearing. If that's as good as hallucination gets, you can have it!
Jen! I'm sorry your day was so bad, but this post is hysterical. Kind of reminds me Hyperbole & A Half! You really are an excellent writer. And that last illustration makes me laugh out loud each time I look at it! Well done, friend.. :)
ReplyDeleteAs irony would have it, a couple days after I had an MRI on my head (the worst part was the cage they put over my face!) I watched a movie about Temple Grandin. And I can say with utmost confidence that she would probably really enjoy an MRI. I, of course, thought it was probably just this side worse than oh say - death.
ReplyDeleteDoing some research on MRI Arthrogram I came across your cartoons. Tells me all I need to know! Thanks! :-) I hope everything worked out all right?
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